07/13/26
STORY
A young traveler heard of a sorcerer who could grant immeasurable fortune.
The traveler must walk many miles through difficult terrain to reach the sorcerer’s palace.
After many days of walking, the traveler entered the front gate.
Sitting on a throne in the main hall was the sorcerer.
The young traveler approached.
When the traveler attempted to speak, the sorcerer raised his hand suddenly and, with a booming voice, stated,
“I know why you’re here. You are here because you seek wealth, fortune, and fame.”
The young traveler nodded.
The sorcerer explained,
“I will grant you wealth, fortune, and fame, under one condition. Do you see this device?”
The sorcerer was holding a remote. On it were two buttons: one green, one red.
“This device will be in my possession”, the sorcerer said.
“When I push this green button, you will experience happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment, and love. When I push this red button, you will experience unhappiness, depression, anxiety, worry, and fear.”
The young traveler stared at the device as the sorcerer continued to explain his proposition.
“I will own this device and choose which buttons to press for the remainder of your life. In exchange, you will have the wealth, fortune, and fame you so deeply desire.”
Imagine you are the young traveler in this story.
You are given this proposition from the sorcerer.
If he were to offer you $100,000, would you agree to the condition?
How about $500,000?
$1,000,000?
If your answer is no…
That you wouldn’t give the power over your happiness to someone else for $1,000,000…
Then why have you been giving it away for free?
We all do this at times.
Our sense of happiness or worth is based on what other people think or say.
If someone praises us, they hit the “green button”, and we’re happy.
If someone rejects us, they hit the “red button”, and we’re unhappy.
But what if you decide not to hand them that remote?
What if, instead, your happiness is not something they have control over?
You have more power than you think.
You can choose not to give that power away to others.
Your happiness does not need to be predicated on the judgment of others.
You have the power to cultivate your happiness from within.
Step into that power.
OBSERVATION
Psychologist Jennifer Crocker of the University of Michigan developed the concept of contingent self-worth, which is the degree to which people base their sense of value and happiness on external feedback, such as others’ approval. Her research found that basing one’s worth on external contingencies like approval from others is consistently linked to negative outcomes, including stress, depression, and lower overall well-being. In other words, the moment you hand someone else the power to determine your worth, you’ve made your happiness their decision, not yours.
(Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C.T., “Contingencies of Self-Worth,” Psychological Review, 2001)
STRATEGY
Simple exercise: notice when you’re handing someone the “remote control” of your happiness.
Recognize how much power you’re giving someone else.
This could be a co-worker, your manager, partner, family member, or friend.
The strategy here isn’t to try and fix anything; simply notice.
By observing this pattern, you’ll become more aware, and invest less of your happiness in their response to you.
Remember, you get to choose if they have that power over you.
Make the choice to retain that power.
Rooting for you,
Jay (inviting you to never hand over that “remote control”)
Global keynote speaker
Host of the “Unstuck” podcast
Excited for a Jersey Shore vacation with the family next week!