07/06/26
STORY
On Thursday, we headed to the Jersey Shore to spend the day at the beach.
We were driving down the Garden State Parkway; my wife Alex in the passenger seat, and my daughter Amelia in the back.
I was in the left lane going about 75 miles per hour when a car approached from behind, tailgating.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
But this driver was getting awfully close, inches from hitting my back bumper.
I looked through my rearview mirror, and I saw a woman who was shouting and waving her hands in anger.
In these scenarios, what do you do?
Do you slam your brakes to push back against the person’s poor behavior?
Do you speed up to avoid the collision and appease this lunatic’s demands?
Or do you move to the next lane and allow them to pass you by?
In that moment of decision, I considered the implications of each option.
If I slam my brakes, give her the finger, or do anything else to “get back” at this person, I’m no better than she is.
Being “in conflict” with such a person means I’m consuming her energy.
If I speed up, then I’m “giving in” to this behavior while remaining uncomfortable.
That decision would be feeding her energy.
If I move to the next lane, then I choose to neither consume nor feed the energy of this driver.
The feeling of pride initially got in the way, because it felt like I was “letting her win” by moving to the middle lane.
But in reality, I was simply choosing not to involve myself with such negative energy.
As she passed, I kept my eyes forward, choosing not to engage with the other driver.
The rest of our drive was smooth, calm, and relaxed; we had a fantastic day down the shore.
In life and work, you’re going to be met with similar energy.
Someone destructive, manipulative, or toxic will attempt to “ruffle your feathers”.
In those moments, you can choose one of three options:
1. Resist
2. Resign
3. Refuse
To resist is to create more conflict.
To resign is to enable poor behavior.
To refuse is to choose not to engage.
When dealing with energy vampires, the best choice is to refuse to engage with that energy.
If a wild, unleashed, untamed animal is near you, the best thing you can do is act like it isn’t there.
That animal will not bother you.
When people are in such a negative state that could be harmful to you or those around you…
Refuse to engage them.
OBSERVATION
Psychologists Elaine Hatfield and John Cacioppo identified a phenomenon called emotional contagion, which is our tendency to unconsciously absorb the emotional states of people around us. Research confirms that negative emotions spread faster and with greater intensity than positive ones, meaning engaging with someone in an agitated state doesn’t just create conflict; it pulls you into their emotional frequency. The most effective response is disengagement: not as weakness, but as a deliberate act of emotional self-protection.
(Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J., Emotional Contagion, ResearchGate, June 1993)
STRATEGY
Any energy vampires that you’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis?
I hope not, but if so, I invite you to refuse to either feed or resist individuals who are spewing negativity.
I’m not saying to treat them poorly.
I’m not saying you should be disrespectful.
Simply refuse to engage with their negativity.
Notice how it affects both you and the other person when you respond in this way.
Rooting for you,
Jay (inviting you to protect your energy)
Global keynote speaker
Host of the “Unstuck” podcast
Big fan of Conan O’Brien