06/08/26
STORY
I took my seat near the window on a flight from San Antonio to Chicago.
To my left was a woman holding tissues in her hand.
I was already concerned.
She started coughing.
The coughing didn’t stop.
The entire flight, she was coughing, blowing her nose, and going through tissue after tissue.
Sometimes she covered her mouth…
Sometimes she didn’t.
It got worse.
She then reached for her cellphone…
Set it up on the tray table…
And started playing games on her phone…
With the volume turned all the way up.
Every time she earned points or collected coins or whatever the heck the game was about…
It would ring in my ears.
My frustration was at a tipping point.
I turned to her and yelled…
“Can you cover your mouth? And turn the volume down on your phone! Don’t you have any consideration for other people???”
I’m kidding!
I didn’t say that.
But I was thinking it.
She was driving me crazy.
But you know why she was coughing?
She had allergies.
Really bad allergies.
She went to many doctors, and no one has been able to help her.
She gets so embarrassed because she can’t control her coughing and runny nose.
You know why she was traveling?
She was on her way to Chicago to meet her daughter, who moved there a few years ago.
She was visiting because she needed to take a break from San Antonio.
Her husband died a few months ago, and being there reminds her too much of him.
She loves the games on her phone because they keep her mind busy so that she doesn’t have to think about her husband.
She loved him so much.
You know how I know this?
It’s simple.
I…
Don’t.
I made it up.
It was the story I told myself about this woman.
I realized I was putting myself in the role of victim, and it was only creating frustration in me.
So I made up this story to feel compassion for this woman instead of resentment.
Could I have turned to her and politely asked her to turn down the volume of her phone and cover her mouth?
Of course.
But after I told myself this story…
I wasn’t bothered anymore.
The noise from the phone…
The coughing…
All of it wasn’t irritating me.
So I ended up just falling asleep.
When I woke up, the flight was landing, and the woman was still coughing.
As I exited the airplane, I looked at her and smiled.
Not a sarcastic smile…
A genuine one.
I don’t know what was going on with this woman…
But the choice I made around what I told myself about her made me feel connected to her.
The lesson here is that the frustration we feel towards others is often due to the story we’re telling ourselves.
That story usually puts us in the role of victim.
So how do you get yourself out of the role of victim?
Tell yourself a better story.
OBSERVATION
People who habitually reframe how they interpret a situation (rather than suppressing their reaction), experience significantly greater positive emotion, better relationships, and higher overall well-being. The research suggests that it’s not what happens to us that shapes our emotional experience. It’s the story we choose to tell ourselves about it.
(Gross JJ, John OP. Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2003 Aug;85(2):348-62. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348. PMID: 12916575.)
STRATEGY
Be curious about what stories you’re telling yourself this week.
Be especially curious about the story you’re telling related to other people.
Notice if your inner dialogue is crafting a story that puts you into the role of victim.
When it happens, pause, and consider alternative stories.
Ask yourself…
How can I look at this differently so that I have compassion for this person?
Train your mind to be less resentful and more compassionate.
Don’t just do this for them.
Do this for yourself.
Reframe the story so that you can be more at ease, less reactive, and better capable of responding with composure.
Rooting for you,
Jay (inviting you to tell better stories)
Global keynote speaker
Host of the “Unstuck” podcast
A MacBook user who prefers a Samsung phone (sorry, iPhone users, you’re always getting a green text from me)